Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Too Hell-Bent To Be Holy

There's an integrity in remaining, without apology, the person you are even when that person's a snobbish, arrogant, destructive bastard. I've been exhausting myself just lately trying to be a blissed-out holy man brimming with selfless love for his fellow sufferers. Who am I kidding? I'm too selfish to be selfless. I'm too hell-bent to be holy. I can't know bliss, too many of my nerve-endings are dead. If I really want to meet people on a plane of honesty, they've got to know I'm attracted to Heaven but inclined to erratic mortal behaviour that will probably destroy everything in its path. I can't help it; I'm not proud of it; but it's who I am.

I spent most of my time when I was a kid trying to prove to my mother that I saw and understood everything like some sort of Old Soul. It was just my way of defining myself in the crowd because I wasn't tough like one brother or smart like the other.

10 comments:

Leo said...

Please oh please tell me this is the beginning of the return of the Bruce we used to know. Am I the only one who misses "Old" Bruce? I miss the ranting and raving. I miss the poetry. Please come back Bruce!!

Anonymous said...

Still here, Leo, biding my time. Today that motherfucking holy-roller almost let his guard down too...

(The Old Bruce)

Janey... said...

Screw all that holy moly stuff...
Thank god(s)we don't really have to believe life is one way or the other....good or bad...black or white...heaven or hell...If it were really that way, we'd all be bored to tears...and intolerance would be rampant...

Bruce Hodder said...

I am an extremist. May even be vaguely bipolar. I tend to swing massively between one state of mind and its opposite. I have noticed this tendency much more since I quit drinking. So I have been absolutely one way (drunken degenerate), and then I tried to be absolutely the opposite (pious saint). But I can't be a pious saint. I got too much of what Darth Vader would call "the dark side" in me. As if to illustrate, Johnny Cash was singing "Hurt" on the tv when I started writing this. Okay, in the absurd context of an advert for sportswear, but it's still my autobiography in song...

Bobby said...

The truth is you're looking for the truth.

Bruce Hodder said...

Aye, and the truth may be relative to the ever-changing person, so how do you pin it down?

Janey... said...

Pinning down truth is like nailing Jell-O to a wall...

Truth: It's a double edged sword if you really think about it...We search and search for truth...for the secret to happiness...the key to our universe...We as humans are nothing but hungry vehicles chasing down a quest...The thing is...once we find the key...and revel in the glory that we have solved the puzzle...and have found the truth at the end...then what...
Then we reach THE END...
Once you reach the end...the end doesn't even matter...It's the journey that holds the riches...it's the journey that is so chock full of substance...and yes, like you said, the journey is ever changing...
Truth is not absolute...as infuriating as that concept can be...it's what defines us as humans...and not just animals...

One day Bruce...you'll find your journey is full of riches...I have faith you'll feel it...

Janey... said...

Bruce...
We are all extremists at one time or another...we all start out that way as infants...Black and white thinking is not so much Bipolar as it is a stage in emotional development(and cognitive development but I don't think that applies in this context)...
I am the first to admit that my thinking is littered with adolescent ideals...adolescent defiance...adolescent arrogance...it's all part of having stunted my emotional growth for ten years though...I have since done some catching up and along the way...have learned to expand my thinking to fill in the gaping holes in between my extreme all or nothing thinking...It's all just been about growing up emotionally...There are many things to cause the stunting of emotional growth...one of the biggest??? Drugs and alcohol.....
Another? The death of a parent...Certainly many factors can create a ripe environment for stunted growth...The good thing though...is you can catch up again...I've not compensated for all ten years from taking a hiatus from life...but I've maybe recouped 7 of them...

I am not saying this is parallel to your own thoughts...but maybe some of it is...It's just food for thought...

Bruce Hodder said...

Yeah, you know I can see more and more that there is a richness to my experience. When I think about the people I have known, the places I have been, the adventures I have had, and how all those things continue colourfully to the present day, I know there's plenty here to celebrate. And I'm much more conscious of that than I used to be. But there's an angst and a streak of fear running through me that makes even the appreciation of beauty a kind of sad and desperate act at times. And this is what I would like to move beyond, though I don't know if it will ever happen...

Janey... said...

Yeah...you and me both..
I can't say I'll absolve myself from the fears, anxiety, and unforgiving regret that haunts my life ever to completion...but hopefully pointing myself in the direction I need to be in day after day, and focusing on what I want for myself and no one else will one day have a cumulative effect to tip the scale of contentment in my favor...I'm hoping it happens...and I'm pushing to make it happen...I'm just not very good at waiting...