Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Republication Of Wiped Post

This post, along with its comments, was accidentally deleted earlier during a battle I was having with some glitches in my computer. Luckily I had already made a copy of the post, although the comments have--regrettably--been lost.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Sunday Was A Bad One, But Things Are Looking Up

After feeling so bad the other day, I had so much come to me yesterday it shows that all this business of making friends with God again has some meaning and power--if only (for all you rationalists out there) in that it balances me better so I communicate my needs more clearly to the people who care about me. How's the lovely Bruce today? --someone asked at work yesterday (she always calls me that). I'm tired and cranky, I said. It's nobody's fault, I was just in a bad mood yesterday and I haven't got out of it yet. You should have called me, she said.I had a shitty day yesterday as well, we could have been miserable together. Later she asked me to her office and we sat with her deskmate (about whom I once wrote beauty in long boots/ strides into the office/ my focus departs), and talked about it for a while. I told both of them that I'd been bummed because I was on my own and I don't like that anymore. In the old days I never would have admitted something like that for fear of looking like a social reject (which for a long time I have been, or felt I was in my victimhood--actually I had rejected society).This morning I got up and had a wonderful email from a friend full of really powerful good wishes for me to have fun, exercise, adventure, good looks (hmm), lots of hugs (sounds corny, but they can transform your mood in an instant), someone to dance with, and love. Thanks J., you have no idea how much I appreciate it (x).There were the comments by S.P. readers. And then there was L., who despite having a few serious problems of her own, gave me so much attention last night I felt spoiled. Attention, laughter, and spiritual advice. How did you come into my life, honey? I did absolutely nothing to earn it (my past is full of mistakes, cruelty, bad faith, bad blood), and suddenly I find myself with a beautiful and wise friend who loves me and is helping me break a chain of events (as Bob Dylan would say), with links going back 41 years. My personal view is that God sent me a rowboat.Whatever the cause of all this--and even if it's just complete coincidence (or serendipity, as the New Agers used to call it, irritatingly, back in the 80s)--things happen when you approach your life in the right way, with an open heart and proper appreciation of the healing power of the connections you make with other people. I just have to work on ridding myself of the curious feeling of discomfort I have when anybody does anything nice to me (it's as if they've directed it at the wrong person and will take it back with a blush and an Oops when they realise).

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