Friday, September 01, 2006


Happiness is different from satisfaction, or a sense of completion. Happiness is more about having a sense of internal balance than believing that everything is dandy, and your own personal universe couldn't possibly be any better. It's about knowing that there's more work to do, but feeling up to the job; and in the meantime not cursing God or Fate or your girlfriend or your crappy upbringing (whether you had one or not), for what hasn't been done so far.

This is where it's at with me. I have good friendships for the first time in years; but I lost my true love three months ago, and I certainly could use a little more company as the long nights are drawing in. Which is the way it was, pretty much, when I had my true love--except back then there was a kiss and a cuddle sometimes that made me forget all the loneliness for a while. Now, though, I feel a little sad when I sit here on my own with some lugubrious country blues on the stereo behind me, and I wish that a friend would call or an unexpected email would arrive, but I know that in my sadness, or lonesomeness, as the country singers define the condition more correctly, there's a clarity of vision that will help me create the future I desire. I feel it, I go and clean myself up, I washes the dishes, put clothes in the washing machine, lift some weights, and I know I'm more ready.

Happiness makes me grateful for the things I have got and sturdy in the pursuit of things I want.


domestic empire said...

I feel the need to share!

Just found out that an ex-girfriend of mine - the only one who ever meant anything to me - is single. She's the one who I still carry a torch for. The only one I ever asked to marry me (she said yes). Despite the intervening years this news has left me shaken, but interestingly, wanting to live!

How fickle!

Do you remember the line from the film 'As Good As It Gets' where Jack Nicholson in a restaurant with Helen Hunt admits, 'You make me want to be a better man'? Well you wouldn't believe the optimism I was suddenly seized with. Actually I think you would.

What hopeless fools we become in the name of love, infatuation and lust. That lives can balance on such a tenuous notion.

I need to breathe! (bloody fool)

Bruce Hodder said...

Yeah, I would believe it. I have realised that the connections we make to other people are actually the ONLY things that matter, though the jobs we do, the books we read, the music we love and blah blah blah might be pleasant diversions along the way. My friendship with L. HAS made me a better man, or at least a happier man (and I think they're the same thing, since a happy man is probably a less selfish man [not always I suppose]). I would cross a blazing desert barefoot with no water to find the sort of relationship John and Sheila had.

Let me know what happens with your old flame DE. She may be sitting at home right now waiting for you to call (well, not right now, because only fools, insomniacs and bloggers are awake at this hour, but you get my point).

Bobby said...

Hey Bruce. Gees, I haven't blogged in a week. It's tough getting used to the new work schedule. Have a great weekend, man! Go to a book store - reach for the same book as some cutey 'by accident'

Bruce Hodder said...

Hey, interesting idea. So you mean my usual method of identifying someone I like and then doing absolutely nothing about it for three years isn't direct enough?

Janey... said... least send smoke signals or something!!! heh heh heh...

Bobby said...

I don't know - maybe that's the right strategy. Maybe she's just waiting for the instant when somebody does not jump out and woo her.

Bruce Hodder said...

I hope so. Beautiful women get tired of being hit on. (Oh, but hang on, this woman was supposed to be theoretical!)