What If?

What if, ultimately, it's just you? What if, when all the rationalisations are done, you're just a no good, self-obsessed, immature, misanthropistic twat, and everything that's fallen apart in your life is your own fault? What if?

No, it couldn't be. Could it?

Comments

Anonymous said…
Bruce
I think you're not being fair to yourself if you beat yourself up for being a no good, self-obsessed, immature, misanthropistic twat. It's probably as good a definition of the human condition as any, and as such, why fight nature? Too many people spend their lives trying to better themselves somehow, and they don't succeed because deep down, I don't think any of us genuinely know what being a better person really means. The happiest folk I know either don't waste time looking inwardly at their own character with a microscopic attention to detail, or they couldn't give a shit what people think about them. Either way, this somewhat blinkered approach to life allows them to bimble through life quite happily. I know, because the latter's my approach.
Simon
Anonymous said…
Remember...nothing can be answered that easily because nothing is absolute...and we as humans wish we had that sort of power and control, even if it means we think we've controlled all of the ills in our lives...
the second part of this...unless you're on your deathbed, the journey isn't over so it's premature judgement...
Bruce Hodder said…
Well, yes, I have developed a tendency to over-analyse, and it would appear, from this post, a habit of blaming myself and the rot I suppose to be at the bottom of my heart for everything that ever happened to me. But I wrote it after having a long conversation yesterday with someone I loved very deeply and hearing myself explain the hurt I'd caused her using the justification of things that had happened to me--so, in effect, I wouldn't have to take responsibility for my actions and she would have to forgive me (because it wasn't me, it was external forces.) Which struck me as being exceptionally snivelling.
You do what you do. Live with it says about you. Or, as you suggest, big bro, forget questions of "what it says" and move on, live your life, stop gazing at your navel with such fascination.

I would like to have that attitude. But I am hung up on wanting to be good and obsessed with the notion that I'm an evil ratbag.

Maybe I am both, or neither (forget Western thought modes).I'm glad I'm going out tonight so I don't have to work this over any further!
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