Even my physical appearance changed while I was under the influence of the Christian. I ditched the t-shirts (my usual staple) , started shaving every day, cut my hair short. People told me I looked better. People always tell you that you look better when you start dressing like an accountant on his day off.
I don't know why I went through such a wholesale change. It just seemed that everything I had assumed about the past was a lie, and once I had lost the notion of myself as belonging anywhere other than at my job, the outer trappings of the bohemian life (to quote a poem of mine), no longer had any meaning. I looked at myself in the mirror and just saw a slob.
I had submitted to some kind of hypnosis in my efforts to defeat the depression and loneliness that were squashing me flatter than chewing gum on the pavement. I look back on the period now rather as you'd look back on being happily stoned. And I was happy, until the hallucinations became hellish in nature and I went completely off the rails.
I don't blame the Christian for any of this. I have done many ridiculous things while under the influence of powerful women in the past. It is a pattern of behaviour that goes back years. Though I don't think I've ever lost myself as comprehensively as I did with her.
The reason I mention all this now is that I looked in the mirror this morning and saw an unshaven, shaggy-haired t-shirt-wearing poet glaring back at me, and I liked what I saw. I still wonder how many chances at happiness I am kissing off by presenting myself in a way that most women seem to find unsavoury, but what the hell. I can't judge everybody by the conservative tastes of Northamptonshire care workers.
6 comments:
Hey Bruce...
It all goes back to those extremes that come easy...it's that middle of the road that's a bitch to find...
Definitely the accountant image doesn't seem to suit you well but at the same time...since what pains you most(at least based on your thoughts here)is the absence of a healthy love relationship... no sense trying to bait them by being "unsavory" either...unless you're looking for someone who wants to be with "unsavory"...and then you have to wonder what her deal is if that's her preference, right??? If it didn't work well before, change up the bait a bit???
Personally I find slobs attractive. *hugs* good to talk to you again!
Janey--oops, yes, I have been a bit unsavoury about the Christian, haven't I? But not out of a desire to project a particular personality to anyone else, I don't think (though I'm not the best judge of my motivation). Right now I'm just trying to rebalance myself and figure out what happened this summer.I might declare an end to all this speculation about my friendship with her, however, as I did promise myself I wouldn't air my dirty laundry on the internet anymore!
Rorie,
Great to have you back. I've missed you!
Janey,
Oh, I've just realised, when you said "unsavoury" you were referring back to my use of the word in re: my clothing, weren't you? What can I say, I don't read very accurately sometimes!
Hi Bruce...
I responded to your post first thing this a.m. right before I left for work so it's probable I wasn't quite clear either!!!
Yes, I was referring to your self description of appearance...My around about point was:
Place yourself in a woman's shoes...one who matches your "ideal"...one you want to be with...
Would she be one who would find "unsavory" attractive? Are you looking for an "unsavory" woman or one who takes an extra bit of time to look good for you and for herself?
I'm not saying or judging one way or the other...just presenting a different perspective...
I have some great friends who are pretty "unkempt"...I love spending time with them...they make me laugh...they make me think...we've dropped whatever it was we were doing to help out the other but they've always remained platonic friendships...just never made me *tingle* when they'd go for days not bathing, shaving, changing clothes etc....The other thing is, their not taking care of themselves was symptomatic of their own mental un-health...and one unhealthy individual(moi) in a relationship was enough...two was suicidal, you know???...that's just me though...just presenting another point of view...
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