Monday, October 06, 2008

A Hurricane In The Head

People who know me will be aware that I get bad depression from time to time. When it hits it hits hard, like a hurricane in the head, and for days everything goes haywire. I can't stay awake, I can't think straight, I get paranoid, I hurt the people around me either by neglecting their feelings or behaving irrationally (as they see it) towards them.

It's been going on for many years now, and I don't think I'll ever beat it. I've tried counselling. I've tried drugs. But when it's hurricane season, it doesn't matter what I think I've put up to defend the homestead. Soon it's all flying around in the air again.

It's been flying around just lately, actually. I hope now that the hurricane has started to blow itself out, but you can never be sure.

Somebody asked me today--knowing I've had, or given myself, a rough time in the past few weeks--what it was I was depressed about. I can't even begin to explain that without dragging SUFFOLK PUNCH into an area I don't want it to inhabit. I'm not even sure which comes first, the depression, or the subjects the depressed mind ruminates on.

All I know is that when it goes again I'm bruised, tired and very, very relieved.


Wred Fright said...

Bruce, you have no reason to be depressed. The world needs more cool and thoughtful people like you.

Holly said...

I don't think anyone could ever be completely cured from depression. It takes management, like how one learns to manage with one arm or a weak bladder.

The black dog will always follow it's master, here and there give it a bone to keep it occupied.

As for the winds, you'll find the calm before the storm, the calm in the eye and the serenity when it blows away.

Be well Brucie.

All This Trouble... said...

I don't think depression is about any reason. I think it just is. I agree with Holly in that it's something that must be managed. Maybe you should look at your time in bed as a hurricane party of sorts.

Bruce Hodder said...

Well, I have a weak bladder too, so maybe I'll take your advice and adapt the tactics I use to manage that.
Now, let's see: the emotional equivalent of the Diet Coke I have to avoid if I don't want to be caught short is what?
Too much time alone.
And the reverse.

Bruce Hodder said...

You're really too kind. I can be a colossal arsehole at times. Mind you, show me a man who protests he can't and I'll show you the collosalest arsehole of them all.

Bruce Hodder said...

I slept for seventeen hours at the peak of the last one, Kim. And there was a kind of self-indulgent pleasure in lying there like a groaning casualty of war.

Holly said...

I have a weak bladder too heh. Doesn't stop me from enjoying Diet Coke :D

I was just listening to a song and thought of you. Turn! Turn! Turn! - The Byrds


Bruce Hodder said...

I love that song...