I had a conversation the other day that was particularly interesting in the light of my recent attempts to convince myself I was a Christian (see other posts).
I was talking to this Christian man, the whitest of whited sepulchres he (like almost every Christian I know), and I told him, "I would like to believe in God but I can't."
"It's not a question of believing or not believing in God, He exists outside of your struggles with your own conscience and morality. If you don't accept Him into your life and repent your sins, you will be going to Hell."
"I want to go to Hell," I said. "It will be warmer and there'll be better music playing, and I want to see my friends and family who've gone there before me."
"You think your friends and family are going to Hell?"
"Well, if they don't at least I'll get to hang out with Keith Richards. But wait a moment, I thought you said God was a forgiving God?"
"He is a forgiving God. He forgives you all your sins."
"Then why won't he forgive me for not believing in Him and let me into Heaven? Isn't He being rather petulent?"
"If you make statements like that, you will certainly go to Hell."
" 'Well, here we are, in trouble again,'" I said, quoting Norman Mailer when he requested to take a giant spliff with him to his desert island on Desert Island Discs back in the Seventies.
And while we're examining theological matters--forgive me, these questions have been piling up since my erstwhile Christian friend first gave me a Bible to read--what's prayer all about? How does that work? Leonard Woolf asks these questions in his 1962 autobiography Sowing, which I just finished reading today. Does God only do nice things for people who ask Him nicely? How paternalistic is that? Will He sit back and watch one person's life go to Hell in a handbasket because that person doesn't ask Him to fix it, while bestowing all sorts of good things on the person next door, who may be vastly less deserving but just happens to know the formula for divine petition? Surely a loving, forgiving God would do more for the person who is distressed and lost than the smug and selfish saved ones who keep asking for more and more on top of the already considerable gift of eternal salvation? What does He want, proof of your love and credulity? A stroke of the celestial ego?
I'm sorry if these questions seem irreverent or offensive to anyone (well, I'm not really: I have to stop pretending I'm not an arrogant tosser, it irritates people so much when the truth comes out), but something in all this Christian blather just doesn't fit. That's why I fell out of grace with the Christian woman and ended up back on my couch with a bottle of beer in the shadow of a large wooden Buddha cursing the fates for the absurdity of human existence.
I'd be pleased to hear from anyone who can untie these theological knots, but please, no more threats of an eternity of Hellfire. It has as much impact on a dedicated sinner as Supernanny threatening to place a psychotic child in the naughty corner.
4 comments:
Sometimes I feel like I can't help but believe -- but: maybe I rationalize myself into the position of feeling like I can't help but believe. I don't know. When I'm in trouble, I ask somebody or somethin for help -- instinctively -- that S.O.S. goes out. Weird, huh? Flakey? Maybe it's just fear -- temporary insanity.
Reason leads me away from belief though, so . . . there's that.
As far as the Bible and the practice of religion go -- those dummies got it all wrong. Maybe they're about 30% right -- if one forced me to spit out a number, that'd be my best guess.
Sometimes they force you to spit out a number.
Well, yes, and I'm clearly a fine one to talk, given that only a month ago I was praying every day. Sometimes I have a sense of something divine or heavenly, some kind of overarching intelligence or design behind the universe. Whether it's God or the Tao or Philip Dick's VALIS or whether these are all misidentifications of the same thing I don't know.
But it's the attitude of Christian people here on earth that I have a problem with. This presumptuous attitude that they will go to Heaven because they are "saved" (to be fair, not all of them say that; some will tell you it's still the will of God--though I bet they secretly think they stand a good chance).I joke about it, but it really irritates me to have some sonofabitch telling me I am going to Hell because I haven't accepted God into my life.And as I indicated in the post, prayer. I really don't get prayer.
So many disagreements. But I feel too that Christianity in Britain has been hijacked, to some extent, in the past few years, by (forgive me B.) American and African evangelical/ ultra-conservative elements. It seemed very decent and friendly and old-fashioned when I was a kid in the early Seventies--mini-driving white-haired old duffers in cassocks telling you how much God loved you--but now there's a lot of Hellfire and bigotry and sweeping away of progressive ideas and End-of-Days stuff: people almost wishing for the End to come so they can see whichever angel it is walking through the flames calling them home. When you talk to these people for very long you have to get out of the room because they give off such a threatening, creepy odour.
Mind you, I just read yesterday that the Dalai Lama, somebody I admire a great deal, has publically condemned homosexuality. So it isn't only the Christians who are lining up to bash anyone different. And for some reason I expected more of Buddhism.
*sigh* America seems to be nfecting the world in the worst possible way.
Well I can say with some confidence, you are meant to question about God, you are meant to ask about him, you are not meant to utterly turn off your reason, and God will not instantly send you to hell for question him.
Hello? He gave us free will. He does not want us to be blind puppets obeying commands without thinking, if you follow him you will see the reasons behind it, and will want to follow them of your own will.
Try praying to God, but not in the naff way you may have been taught. Find a peaceful place, make the sign of the cross, and share all your thougths and feelings, even your feelings of doubt and you "blasphmous" thoughts, don't worry he won't hold it agisnat yoyu. Share all your thoughts and feelings and you will feel something.
At least it worked for me, I guess I can't garuntee the same.
But I can tell you, God does not want anyone to be mindless, God tolerates questions (and you can tell the fundies WE HAVE FREE WILL FOR A REASON) and don't be put off.
Frankly i doubt a huge part of the old testament, much of the new testament is human words (many of the "letters of Saint Paul" were not in fact written by Saint Paul), but if you read the 4 gospels you'll see little to disagree with.
And yeah I know the whole thing seems strange, don't be put off and don't be deterred by negativity
Now THIS is the kind of christianity I can live with. It seems to me that the presumed existence of a Divine Creator ought to promote the sort of tolerance and humility displayed by Paul in the post above. I hope you'll come back to SUFFOLK PUNCH again, Paul, and share your refreshing perspective on whatever is being debated.
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