GORDON BROWN TALKS TO THE CHINESE GOVERNMENT. EXCLUSIVE!

Yesterday I wrote a letter to my old buddy Gordon Brown to see if he could exert any influence over his Chinese buddies to stop the Olympic Torch from being paraded through Tibet. You know, "What do you need with all this hassle and bad p.r., guys? We know those ungrateful, backward Tibetans who all smell of butter and wouldn't know a benevolent liberator if they fell over one are gonna come out and try to upset the general gaiety of the event. So who needs the headache? And think how good you'd look in the Western media, fellers! They might even swallow that bollocks about you compromising and opening up a proper dialogue with those who have a dissenting view, the way the Olympic Committee did back when you were awarded the games in the first place. Give it some thought, eh? I'm saying all this as your friend you understand..."