Counselling With My Best Friend

she said, we were discussing how
i could get to know more women, she said,
my best friend, wear longer t-shirts,
they will cover up your fat belly. and
i'll introduce you to dave, my other mate,
he's got ten or fifteen on the go.
it's how you talk to us. he'll teach you,
if you keep the lager flowing, and he's
not good looking either, so it works.

by the time she'd finished helping
me, i was ready for a high bridge,
and sure that if i jumped off, i'd survive.